'Twas The Night Before Christmas (Legal Version)

  Author Unknown  
   
 Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain  
 improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of  
 stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.  
   
 A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and  
 around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/  
 St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime  
 thereafter.  
   
 The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were  
 located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations,  
 i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited  
 to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in  
 said dreams.  
   
 Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as  
 "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the  
 second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained  
 period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of  
 headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)  
   
 Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the  
 unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a  
 certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of  
 the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the  
 cause of such disturbance.  
   
 At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of  
 wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being  
 pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8)  
 reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the  
 previously referenced Claus.  
   
 Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the  
 approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal  
 co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder  
 and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is  
 further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been  
 involved.)  
   
 The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer  
 intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences  
 located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle  
 was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or  
 nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or  
 implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the  
 chimney.  
   
 Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue  
 from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the  
 aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what  
 appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances  
 and health regulations.  
   
 Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor  
 children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.  
 (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the  
 applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus  
 touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of  
 the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as  
 "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.  
   
 However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House,  
 the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry  
 Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.